Goodness gracious

Hmmm. With the recent sleeping hours of 2am-6am, I made some sort of goal for myself of getting to bed by midnight. Well, it's nearly three now, so that plan's a bit fucked up. I'm sorely tempted not to sleep tonight. What with the non-consumption of food, severe lack of excercise and social contact, I reckon I could be quite successful at something resembling a heroin chic. Haha, I wish. It's rather strange how quickly my mood changed.

Today was another mindless day, doing nothing of interest, barely making any sort of movement. My weekends have become quite boring too. Nothing to do at home and all alone in my room, you do the math. I decided to come here in the office. I banged my toes on the computer chair, it was quite sore. As I grabbed my foot and grimaced slightly, it suddenly struck me - this is the first real thing I've feel today.

Cue the feelings of self-loathing which usually only creep up when I'm lying in bed at night, when I let myself think. Cue the feelings of " It is really not going to happen someday".
How could anyone possibly love me if I can't love myself?

Fuck, most of the time I don't even like myself. I just cope with problems by not thinking about them. That's the reason I sleep until 2am, because getting up and facing the possibility of facing things is just too much. It's much easier to delude myself and live in this fantasy world where I'm this disembodied creature who loves and is loved.

The question clinging desperately to my tongue is: Will things change? Or, rather, will I change? It's not looking bloody likely, is it? I'm thinking about my existence at the moment and the future doesn't look too different. Though I don't drink so I'm a bit socially retarded already, aren't I? Well, more so than before.

snippets of my life

Something happened last night. Well, it had been steadily building up all day, I could feel it from the moment I woke. Things got better in the evening, for obvious reasons, but there was still... something.

And as I lay in bed I knew I was going to be in for a rough night. Everything I've ever done wrong (and everything I'm doing wrong now) came back to haunt me, and I seemed tortured by fear and uncertainty. I was disgusted with myself, and the realisation that I would always have these feelings regardless of how thin or healthy or perfect I was... well, it was a bit upsetting. So I just cried for a long time and I couldn't seem to stop. I know this sounds ridiculous and melodramatic. I know.

But today was much better. After a session of crying, I felt much better. I got up, having remembered my dreams for a change. They were quite disturbing, it involved me going to a place I occasionally visit in dreams. I can't even really describe it, but I know I've been there many times. So I got up today and felt quite good. I was all set to go out (*gasp*) as well, but my plans were scuppered by the weather.

Leaning out of an open window on my way to work and listening to the wind moving through the trees, feeling the cold air on my face. Inhaling. My lungs, unaccustomed to such a feeling, spasm with excitement that it's Friday. As I breathe, I tried to separate each element. Some passengers' cologne reminds me of the flowers from next door's garden, and heavy part of it grabs me back to reality, of the sickening polution of the city. I don't care, it's Life.

And I think it's weired because what I'm living right now isn't really Life. Not really - just little bits and pieces. Little snippets of what things could be like if circumstances were different or if I only had the right combination of courage and stupidity. I long to jump out the window and start living this Real Life, but I know it's not that simple. But still, I can dream. I dream of sitting down a grassy ground... one hand explores every blade of grass it can find, while the other hand are intertwined with those of someone I like a lot and cares for me.

It would be so easy, I think, to pack a bag and just go. My destination would be anywhere he wants.

my room

this is my room. i like the color of fire - yellow, orange, and red.

no pattern
no design

... i simply love the chaos it exudes.

what the f*** &#^!

it's been a while since my last entry and i took time in composing my blog entry today about how manic my monday was.

for some reason blogger.com decided to go chinese! i cant understand chinese! i cant read chinese! the buttons went crazy. i thought i somehow memorize the button placement on the screen and i click delete because my entry was gone! darn!!!!

can somebody please help me. this is frustrating.