snippets of my life
Something happened last night. Well, it had been steadily building up all day, I could feel it from the moment I woke. Things got better in the evening, for obvious reasons, but there was still... something.
And as I lay in bed I knew I was going to be in for a rough night. Everything I've ever done wrong (and everything I'm doing wrong now) came back to haunt me, and I seemed tortured by fear and uncertainty. I was disgusted with myself, and the realisation that I would always have these feelings regardless of how thin or healthy or perfect I was... well, it was a bit upsetting. So I just cried for a long time and I couldn't seem to stop. I know this sounds ridiculous and melodramatic. I know.
But today was much better. After a session of crying, I felt much better. I got up, having remembered my dreams for a change. They were quite disturbing, it involved me going to a place I occasionally visit in dreams. I can't even really describe it, but I know I've been there many times. So I got up today and felt quite good. I was all set to go out (*gasp*) as well, but my plans were scuppered by the weather.
Leaning out of an open window on my way to work and listening to the wind moving through the trees, feeling the cold air on my face. Inhaling. My lungs, unaccustomed to such a feeling, spasm with excitement that it's Friday. As I breathe, I tried to separate each element. Some passengers' cologne reminds me of the flowers from next door's garden, and heavy part of it grabs me back to reality, of the sickening polution of the city. I don't care, it's Life.
And I think it's weired because what I'm living right now isn't really Life. Not really - just little bits and pieces. Little snippets of what things could be like if circumstances were different or if I only had the right combination of courage and stupidity. I long to jump out the window and start living this Real Life, but I know it's not that simple. But still, I can dream. I dream of sitting down a grassy ground... one hand explores every blade of grass it can find, while the other hand are intertwined with those of someone I like a lot and cares for me.
It would be so easy, I think, to pack a bag and just go. My destination would be anywhere he wants.
And as I lay in bed I knew I was going to be in for a rough night. Everything I've ever done wrong (and everything I'm doing wrong now) came back to haunt me, and I seemed tortured by fear and uncertainty. I was disgusted with myself, and the realisation that I would always have these feelings regardless of how thin or healthy or perfect I was... well, it was a bit upsetting. So I just cried for a long time and I couldn't seem to stop. I know this sounds ridiculous and melodramatic. I know.
But today was much better. After a session of crying, I felt much better. I got up, having remembered my dreams for a change. They were quite disturbing, it involved me going to a place I occasionally visit in dreams. I can't even really describe it, but I know I've been there many times. So I got up today and felt quite good. I was all set to go out (*gasp*) as well, but my plans were scuppered by the weather.
Leaning out of an open window on my way to work and listening to the wind moving through the trees, feeling the cold air on my face. Inhaling. My lungs, unaccustomed to such a feeling, spasm with excitement that it's Friday. As I breathe, I tried to separate each element. Some passengers' cologne reminds me of the flowers from next door's garden, and heavy part of it grabs me back to reality, of the sickening polution of the city. I don't care, it's Life.
And I think it's weired because what I'm living right now isn't really Life. Not really - just little bits and pieces. Little snippets of what things could be like if circumstances were different or if I only had the right combination of courage and stupidity. I long to jump out the window and start living this Real Life, but I know it's not that simple. But still, I can dream. I dream of sitting down a grassy ground... one hand explores every blade of grass it can find, while the other hand are intertwined with those of someone I like a lot and cares for me.
It would be so easy, I think, to pack a bag and just go. My destination would be anywhere he wants.
posted by Michelle at 11:05 AM
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