Goodness gracious

Hmmm. With the recent sleeping hours of 2am-6am, I made some sort of goal for myself of getting to bed by midnight. Well, it's nearly three now, so that plan's a bit fucked up. I'm sorely tempted not to sleep tonight. What with the non-consumption of food, severe lack of excercise and social contact, I reckon I could be quite successful at something resembling a heroin chic. Haha, I wish. It's rather strange how quickly my mood changed.

Today was another mindless day, doing nothing of interest, barely making any sort of movement. My weekends have become quite boring too. Nothing to do at home and all alone in my room, you do the math. I decided to come here in the office. I banged my toes on the computer chair, it was quite sore. As I grabbed my foot and grimaced slightly, it suddenly struck me - this is the first real thing I've feel today.

Cue the feelings of self-loathing which usually only creep up when I'm lying in bed at night, when I let myself think. Cue the feelings of " It is really not going to happen someday".
How could anyone possibly love me if I can't love myself?

Fuck, most of the time I don't even like myself. I just cope with problems by not thinking about them. That's the reason I sleep until 2am, because getting up and facing the possibility of facing things is just too much. It's much easier to delude myself and live in this fantasy world where I'm this disembodied creature who loves and is loved.

The question clinging desperately to my tongue is: Will things change? Or, rather, will I change? It's not looking bloody likely, is it? I'm thinking about my existence at the moment and the future doesn't look too different. Though I don't drink so I'm a bit socially retarded already, aren't I? Well, more so than before.