sorrow and confusion

i am frustrated. why? i don't know.

i recently started feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because i don't really know what i want to do.

i look at my job. i love what i do. i love my desk and my office (except for my lousy PC!). i adore my officemates, they are my second family. but somehow i feel im not growing anymore. i am bored, close to getting burnedout.

i feel alone and scared and confused. i feel insecure and then secure. life moves so fast and suddenly change becomes the enemy. nothing seems certain. i cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away. and before i know it, i am in the crossroad of either staying where i am or moving forward and either option scares me.

i recently had my heart broken and wonder how someone i loved so much could give so much pain. i lay in bed and wonder why i can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. i cannot figure out why i am having such bad cards in relationships when i am not a bad person at all.

i go through the same emotions and questions over and over and I feel stupid because I cannot seem to make a decision to life's simple questions.

i worry about my future and making a good life for myself while winning the race would be great. But right now I just a challenger of life.