burnedpopcorn

Okay, okay, I’m NOT going to give up writing!

2010-06-08T13:49:00.002+08:00

Okay, okay, I’m NOT going to give up writing! I was about to retire. Throw in the pen. Turn my back on my muse. I cannot find anything interesting to write about except breakups, heart ache, and moving on. The routine is getting pathetic.

I've had a lot of trouble writing. I can honestly say that other than the occasional ranting blog, I haven't done any real writing in months, but that all came to an end tonight. After missing for over a year I decided to start blogging again.

Much has changed. Here are a few:
1. I am no longer a phone slave that takes zillion of phone calls in the evening.
2. Finally I have a real job, that lets me have lunch at 12 noon.
3. My job lets me travel, been to 7 countries in the span of two years, I would say lucky me.
4. I finally got my dream ride. A 1969 Yellow Brazilian VW Beetle.
5. And yet another breakup.

I am happy despite all the good and bad times, I still have this getaway place to be with myself.

So this means you will be hearing from me more often from hereon.

Cheers to us!

Michelle

And suddenly...

2009-05-13T21:34:00.001+08:00

Love is a tough business

Imagine yourself finding that special man who complements you in every way and you find yourself falling so fast, so head over heels over this person that life becomes the proverbial blur.

But…and there’s a big but, you start to notice a few quirks here and there. Later, these little quirks turn into full blown objects of contention and you wonder, why, where and how did you ever not see this coming.

And the truth is, it just happens and while there are those times when you want to work and fight for your relationship, sometimes, we just have to simply acknowledge the fact that not all relationships are meant to work out.

I don't know what's it's going to take for me to snap out of it. I'm exhausted right now.

Are you still in love with your x?

2009-04-27T21:24:00.001+08:00

A friend forwarded a quiz in facebook and got amazed with the result.

It says ... You are moving on but you have not let go completely. Although you have seen other people and and flings have come and gone you still have a spot in you heart for your first love you probably still have the photos of you together and he/she is still the one you think of when your alone and just about to go to sleep wishing you had some one there. Like i say the best way to get over one person is to get under another.

Hate to say it, but i think it is true. It is scary because I am starting to see this wonderful guy that I have a crush on since I can remember. I think i should pull the plugs off for now? I am not sure I am ready to plunge again. Let alone fool myself.

Crossing my fingers until I go home to Cebu. (blogging from Dongguan China).

With you, with you, with you.

2008-08-22T22:01:00.006+08:00

Why is it, which I find completely amazing, how one person can change a life? How one person can turn your entire world upside down and inside out, turn it on it's ear and make you wonder how everything that you have set up to yourself is so close to nothing because you are alone. How one person can pose such a simple idea and have that idea be earth shattering and ground breaking that you wonder how pathetic your life now and makes you want to pack your things up and start anew with that person. Why is that?

Why is one moment, thought, feeling, glance of him, is never enough without him? How even the "hi" seem to make time stop and never wanting to let the conversation end, no goodbye. That you seem to know more, see more, feel more, understand more than in an entire life time. Why is it that, when you have forgotten something that you thought was so unforgettable, you remember it like it just happened and you don't want to leave that thought. Even though you know that everything with him is a mere, you take chances like it is suppose to happen for real? Why is that?

DUBAI EXPERIENCE

2008-06-28T13:01:00.003+08:00

Going to Dubai City was an interesting experience, because this city offers a kaleidoscope of attractions for visitors.

I landed in Dubai early dawn. I stayed near the World Trade. This was a great location since I found out there are really two distinct areas of Dubai. The city center is where all of the old buildings, culture, and markets reside. Outside this area, nothing is older than ten years and they don't seem to be slowing down the building frenzy anytime soon. While in Dubai, I quickly learned that the city is addicted to luxury and nothing there is cheap.

The first morning, I explored the city center and the markets to get my fill of culture and sufficiently satisfy the nerd in me. It was cool walking through the city and witness the call to prayer come over the loud speaker six times a day, it was really a culture shock for me.

One of the most amazing experiences is Ski Dubai, a ski resort of 2 slopes in the Mall of Emirates Ski Dubai is the most captivating contrast: imagine yourself coming from the outside with temperature of 40 degres and then changing, put on your skis and taking the lift…a total amazing immersion in a fake world…Ski Dubai may be controversial, crazy, sick, whatever….it is definitely a HOT VENUE!

In all, Dubai was a great experience, but a little strange. They have so much money they don't know what to do with it. Already they have plans to build a much larger mall around the Burj Dubai, which is planned to be the tallest building in the world (with provisions that allow additional floors if some other country tries to build a taller monstrosity). I don't think I could live there, but it's definitely worth checking out for a few days, especially if money is burning a hole in your pocket.

being a shithead

2008-05-22T17:51:00.003+08:00

*sigh*

work is the pits. the last two days i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown already. know what it's like to feel like that and end up picking a fight with someone dear to you? well, i did. i picked a fight and did it most unreasonably.

stupid stupid stupid.

french connection

2008-04-17T14:54:00.003+08:00

bonjour!

we are not learning french today, however, to some degree i feel a curious sense of being related to the french life and culture. maybe not related, but having something in common.

life and culture never cease to amaze me. my imaginary life, for example, is set in provence (south of france). where i will wake up when i want to, be forever clad only in bikinis and thin caftan. my waist-length hair flowing freely in the southern breeze and my skin always with a golden glow to it... meals of exquisite salads and steaks, tons of wine, fruits and unadulterated smooching. *impish grin*

there is no such thing as work. if i could do away with the internet, television and the telephone, there'd be none. but alas, even in this dream, i have to be practical. i have to have these mediums in order to connect with the rest of the globe, but only when i want to... i live in a vineyard. an apothecary on the side. *wink*

no neighbors.

aaah life... broad daylight dreaming ...

au revoir...

forever?

2008-04-15T11:12:00.002+08:00

What does it mean when a guy says "forever " to you?

However sarcastic and jaded I seem to be, there is still a little girl waiting inside. A little girl hiding and waiting to be found, not necessarily by the proverbial knight in shining armor, perhaps just someone who will pick me up from where I've fallen and help me get up...

A part of me has always believed in love, always believed in it no matter how harsh my experiences have been, no matter how painful...

...the heart is incredibly strong and resilient, I once read. I found it to be true! No matter how torn apart and shattered it may seem, the heart always seems to mend right back and start beating again. Wonderful, isn't it? Living and loving are perhaps the two most wonderful experiences human existence has to offer.

I've always believed in starting a clean slate, whatever happened in the past can never be undone. There is no room in life for regrets, only lessons learned. The future holds much promise, and hope that it will be better, and it will be if you make it. The present is not always as wonderful as we want it to be but it's all we got and what's important is how we live it and make the most out of it. My present has been truly wonderfully unexpected. I am not talking about work here... *grin*

Forever... is there really such a thing? When it is there in front of you, will you take it? How will you know it's for real? All these questions in my head, going round and round. I want it to be true, I want this to be real. I want to have forever. Is that too much to ask? Could I really be in love this time? I'm afraid but I really want to know... forever...

Pimp my havis

2008-03-25T14:42:00.002+08:00

Shoe racks and streets around the cities of Brazil, Germany and the United States headline a new footwear movement. Their respective trendy brands - Havaianas®, Birkenstock®, and Crocs™ - have surpassed the “What’s Hot!” list and graduated to wardrobe staples, and even classic status.

As many of us are creatures of comfort, there is a temptation to dress for work in these brands or their spin-offs.

Before, I have to hold on to my jewel-encrusted flip-flops and trusty lightweights because it was prohibited in our office premises no matter how liberal our company dress code is. I have to save them for the beach or the Organic Market, and wear sneakers or loafers to work instead. Good thing I can fashionably wear them now to my new office!

It has became my most recent indulgence.

life as i know it

2008-03-24T21:35:00.000+08:00

hmm... I can't believe it's almost a year since I've written in my blog. Well, I have been busy. Life had its ups and downs as usual. Quit my night job, bummed around, "suffered a great loss", recovered. Recovering would be more apt. Got a great new job too (which I'll be starting on tomorrow). Meeting a lot of people. Learning the ropes of the business. Been travelling too...

Spent holy week in f*cking sodom & gomorrah island. *wry grin*

Life has been its usual unpredictable self and here i am trying to wax philosophical about it.
(had to pause for some stuff and i totally friggin lost my train of thought. Im still trying to get it back. damn!)

Isn't it difficult enough to go through everyday, and to have to deal with quarter-life-crisis? man! No wonder people are on drugs, booze, sex and rock & roll. hahahah! Here I am again, trying to justify THE lifestyle... hey, at least I'm a responsible hedonist. That's more than I can say for a lot of people that you and I know.

Stuck in S&G island last un-holy week heheheheh. Dont know what i'm talking about? Perhaps you shouldn't be reading this page. Bugger off!

*thank you paparazzi

Makes You Laugh

2007-09-06T02:52:00.002+08:00

Ranging from a belly-aching guffaw to mere chuckles, these pictures have cracked a smile on my face. Fortunately enough, none of these have made milk come out of my nose...yet.

my 360 spin!

2007-08-21T07:42:00.000+08:00

Well, I have had series of mishaps early this year.

I thought I had a novel-like love story getting involved with somebody who was more like a male version of me... Eventhough it was short-live, there were two things that cut it from being a fling.

1. We used to play a lot of line gaming (yes, we play DOTA Warcraft Tower Defence hehhehe We spent our date brainstorming on new strategies on how to go about the game, i know how crazy that gets.)

2. Then comes google adsense. We had this project of working on making the most out of internet advertising. He was an SEO expert while my field was business marketing so our partnership was a perfect recipe to really make it big time. He makes the script for the website while I do the content. It was fun and enriching because I was learning new things (in fact, I would like to study about it soon!)

We were smooth sailing for months, until one dreadful day, I got a disturbing message from somebody anonymous that turned my dream story to an urban legend.

I was devastated and felt that I did not deserve what happened! At the end of the day, I decided to raise the white flag, it was a sweet surrender on my part ... walking away like that and not looking back. I am a strong woman and I never give up easily but the situation left me with no choice - I WANT A QUITE PEACEFUL LIFE. All I did was to wish them luck and a good life together (yes, I was a loser then)

When a door closes, a window opens... that holds true for me. After a stormy day, I found a glimpse of the sun when I met Neil. He showed me what I was missing in life - LOVE, LOVE, AND MORE OF IT. He made my summer the sunniest ever. We hit the beach most of the time, he attended my sister's graduation with my family, and we made future plans together.
I was beginning to be happy again. I found myself singing again in the shower. I dooze off with a smile on my face. I cooking while dancing again. IN short - I was happy again.

Now who says a nightmare can't have a "happily ever after?"

happy weekend to me!

2007-08-08T08:45:00.000+08:00

I have my weekend every Thursday and Friday. Cool huh?

Looking forward joining to the beach outing with my batch and the upcoming graduation on Saturday. Finally all our hardwork will be recognized. We will be hitting the operations floor by Monday. Thanks goodness though that I was able to choose the best schedule.

I have heard that it's gonna be nosebleed, but hey! that's what I'm here for! (^^)

jumpin high!

2007-08-07T08:59:00.000+08:00

I wanted to take a few minutes to give you my thoughts on what's going on with my life now. The past days has been particularly edgy over the decision I made that has paved a new career path for me.

Things hasn't been really working my way for the past days this week compared to that last week when I was on top of my game. I have to admit that this new venture has made a 360 degrees turn.

Eversince June 25th, it has been a steady drumbeat of excitement... and now i can finally say, I am finally happy.

Unfortunately no matter how hard I try my schedule doesnt let me get out as much as I'd like. That frustrates me. So I am committing to sharing my thoughts with you in a regular blog. It;s another way to have a dialogue, I guess.

I am not sure how communicating this way will work out but I guess that's up to us. So here's my start and I'd like to hear from you. I will respond to as many comments as I can if it seems appropriate.

Cheerio to everyone who believed in me and to my friends I left behind. Cheers to the new beginning~!

Dark dark dark ANGELS!!!

2007-06-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

Oooh ... patience

2007-05-03T15:42:00.000+08:00

I dont know if I can consider myself patient. Patience seems to be a lost art nowadays, at least on my part.

We want eveything now and we want everything fast. We live in a constant state of instant gratification and bitch and complain if things are not done the way we want. Where has our patience gone? Has it become the lost art?

I first noticed this social phenomenon and I started to look around my world and noticed that this was happening everywere. We talk faster, listen less and then wonder why nobody ever calls. Dropping an e-mail will never be as personal as a simple card that has a picture inside. Of course, we could scan the picture (editing out any wrinkles using photo software), add it as an attachment, post the email (send to more than one family member at a time to save typing!) and check later to see if they got it. Where did all the phone calls go?

We need to slow down. We are living longer lives, but no-one told us how to make them more full-filling. Busy work does not mean happy work and doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff will only come back to haunt us when we lament that we didn't take more time for our friends and family - one of my failures.

I want to learn the the ability to endure waiting without becoming annoyed or upset.

To you, I will try to be patient in my waiting.

strung out

2007-04-23T14:41:00.000+08:00

"What the hell am I doing?"

Last night as I was laying in bed, begging myself to fall asleep, stress finally caught up with me. Big time.

What the hell am I doing? Which, incidentally, is not the same questions as, "Why am I doing it?" Because the answer to that one hasn't changed.

I am feeling lonely again. And I missed someone badly. He is my refuge in times like this. His words keeps me company throughout my dreaded night blues.

I miss you.

Missing my life line

2007-04-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

How could one possibly miss somebody who barely existed?

I wish I could disappear like you...

maybe I will.

subatomiclevel - fact or fiction?

2007-04-16T12:47:00.000+08:00

Did you ever wake up one day and realized that something was just not quite right with the world??? You looked out the window expecting to see it raining, but the sun was shining - so that wasn't it. You went to take a shower and figured.

At first, I was kinda bothered with the situation of " You don't know me but I know you. I know lots about you... "

If you are reading this, congratulations, you are continuing to do a great job. The fact that you found all my works online only means that you have invested a great deal of your time and effort in knowing me. I am flattered and equally impressed. When we first talked, I thought my one of my friends was playing a practical joke on me, and then I realized that you are real, and I don't have a clue of who you were.

For now, I am happy of how things are. I am thrilled, the feeling of sudden strong glowing, tingling or throbbing sensation, especially of excitement of somehow knowing somebody i completely dont know (do i make sense?). The mystery of your identity is my challenge now.

But don't blame me if curiosity eats me up and provokes me to ask you out. As early as now, I'm already wondering what it would be like talking to you in person, laughing out load with you, and wondering if you'll enjoy siomai as much as I do (^^).

Believe me, it is no easy feat. It's up there along with one of Hercules' ten tasks. In this day and age, will a self-respecting girl like me has the time or patience to play sheep-eyes for weeks while waiting for you to ‘get it’? It’s so fifties (not in a good way- ---I am assuming I can handle all these of course! ) .

For the meantime, I will try to study and master Dating 101 especially on the chapter on How to Ask a Guy out and, hoping to become a super-suave maestro ready to rival Cleopatra when that time comes!

The things worth having in life don't come easy. Sometimes, you really have to struggle for them. And the first step you can take starts with a simple "Hi, I think you're pretty cool. Will you go out with me?"

My Bantayan escape!

2007-04-02T08:49:00.000+08:00

Summer must have started here in the Philippines. Going out to beach is the best thing I have in mind when summer comes. I’m not an urban critter so I always look forward to spending my weekends, most especially during summer, in the beach or countryside. The summer sun is unsually hot. The beach is the best refuge to escape the sweltering heat of the summer tropical sun.

Cebu is nature, a land of surprise wonders. Forget about the monicker "queen city of the south" as it only refers to the bustling capital of the same name. Drop the word city from the overused nomicker and you will know hy Cebu is a great place to travel (never grew tired in my 5 yrs of stay so far!). The nature reigns in this tropical beautiful island. White sandy beaches. Lush mountains. Vardant hills and valleys. Undulating fertile farmlands. Paradisical coral islets. Magnificent coral reefs... and i could go on (^^)

I chose to spend my Holy Week vacation in Bantayan this year, not because I can eat meat there, but everybody here in Cebu is going there!

Bantayan is an option for those who find Boracay too expensive or too far. Bantayan is almost like Boracay less the commercialized atmosphere. Same powdery, white sand beaches, crystal clear waters which is ideal for snorkelling or diving. There are also caves and dive spots to visit.

Here are a few highlights of my vacation.

Budyong, place to be...

Since the place was jam packed when we arrived Thursday at Budyong Resort, we had no choice but to stay in my ever reliable tents like everyone else - yes, nature tripping at its best. (Rate: P300 per tent /day phew!)

Can you spot my tent?

Here are a few shots of the resort. The nipa huts, the coco trees, and the fabulous shoreline!
Life is a beach (^^)

Party party party!

Budyong Resort has always been my home everytime I visit Bantayan during Holy Week. Why? of course, it is where the party is!

This year, Smart Communications, San Miguel, Club Pump and Numero Doce joint hands in giving an ultimate beach party and ahem, bikini fashion show. Kamikaze bottoms up!

It was a showdown of six-packs and oily bodies in skimpy bikinis hehehehe.

This guy stood out amongst the participants. He was such an audience teaser.

What can I say, he is such a sexy creature!

Welcome to Santa Fe, Bantayan!

This is the scenery that will greet you as soon as you arrived in Sta. Fe.

Sta Fe's wet market. Fish and other sea foods are sold fresh and cheap!

Holy Week Celebration in Bantayan

Contrary to the notion that Bantayan is having their Fiesta on Holy Week.

I have always been fascinated with churches. Here's bantayan pride.

Holy Friday procession is well attended not just by the locals but for tourist too.

In a rush

Easter Sunday, everbody's scrambling to get a ride back home.

As you can see these men are entering from the window to make sure they'll get a seat on the bus. This is a typical scene in Hagnaya Bus Terminal after Holy Week back to Cebu City.

Alot of people find Bantayan an unforgettable place and always keep on coming back. I sure wish I could also do the same.

Budyong Resort, Sta. Fe
Bantayan Island
Cebu, Philippines
Summer 2007

Michelle Montenegro

bottled emotions

2007-03-16T16:54:00.000+08:00

like these bottles, im all consumed and empty =(

Shit Happens.

2007-03-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like your ex-bf stole something of the person you used to be, pre him? During a relationship you often invest so much that when it ends, it's no wonder it can take sometime to feel like yourself again.

But luckily I have andrei, james, minds, and max get me through the trauma that can result from a bitter bust-up and ensure I emerge with my dignity intact and no criminal prosecutions to my name.

I just found out my man’s been doing the dirty on me. I feel like crap. I'm hurt, I'm humiliated and I'm so damn angry it’s consuming me.

While getting him back seems like the best idea to get myself on track, I’ll probably just end up making things worse for myself.

Below are some of the things I may feel like doing. Got some pretty convincing arguments as to why I shouldn’t and, even better, I’ve come up with alternatives which won’t end up making me look like the fool.

What I want to do: Pour out my heart to him in a 10 page letter detailing all the hurts and injustices I suffered throughout the relationship and the sacrifices I made for him.
Why you shouldn’t: Once that letter is out there I have no control over it and I can’t get it back – I asked myself: do I really want his new woman sniggering over my feelings?
What you should do instead: By all means I will write a letter, it’s one of the most therapeutic things I can do. Take as long as I need on it and get everything down on paper. But I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, let it leave my room. I will - Lock it away, burn it, stuff it under my bed or give it to my bestfriends to look after.

What you want to do: Call/text/turn up at his pad after several bottles of booze.
Why you shouldn’t do it: One word – dignity. I’d probably like to still have some of it the next day when I wake up needing to puke with mascara down to my chin.
What you should do instead: There’s no easy fix for this one, although getting someone else to hold on to my cellphone is a good start. I could always go home with someone else to keep myself distracted, BUT a one-night stand isn’t my thing so I'll just write the word “Dignity” on my hand in vivid and hope it triggers a response in my booze-fuddled brain.

What you want to do: Be his friend and maintain the same connection that you once had.
Why you shouldn’t do it: Because no matter how much it seems like a good idea at the time, I guess this technique invariably ends in tears. Feelings get in the way and are easily misinterpreted.
What you should do instead: Be civil if I have to be in contact, but otherwise I'd stay away. I'll change mobile number, even maybe look for a new place. I'll give it time to let the dust settle and the feelings die down.

Mere Infatuation

2007-03-09T17:49:00.000+08:00

... feelings of panic, uncertainty, overpowering lust, feverish excitement, impatience, and/or jealously.

... thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious.

I'm miserable when you' re away, almost like I'm not complete unless I'm with you. It’s a rush and it’s intense. It’s difficult to concentrate.

Do any of these “symptoms” resemble feelings of love? Or mere infatuation? Where does it come from? Perhaps it’s biological?

"You don't love me like I love you"
Problems creeped in when I started to have thoughts of “do I love him more than he loves me?” I started examining all the things I do for him. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then I tried to figure out if he was giving an equal amount back.

If I perceive the discrepancy in that balance sheet, naturally I will start backing away from the relationship. Does loving someone feel good regardless if it’s returned? I have don’t want to get caught up in “if they loved me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.

"We can't talk about that."
Every time I approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument. In the back of my mind, I opt to avoid that topic in the future because I don't want to fight. I believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship. That list of "don't touch that one" makes me feel distant and detached. I start wondering how much longer I can live like this.

When we are fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy, or jealous, are we truly experiencing a state of love?

--- o ---

If you go into a relationship not feeling terribly good about yourself,
you're more likely to become dependent on your partner to help you feel good
about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we
fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes
paramount. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness when
there's a perceived threat to you staying together.

If we aren’t giving ourselves the acceptance we crave, we look to those around us to provide it for us. Again, none of this has a thing to do with the love you feel, but everything to do with the fear you feel.If you really want to remove the love baggage of fear and unhappiness, the first step is to improve your self awareness and self acceptance.

Chocolate is More than Good Taste

2007-03-08T14:27:00.000+08:00

Well I felt down and acted bitchie all morning. I found out something last night and it is giving me the temperature and anguish.

I was craving for chocolates!
There's something undeniably mystical and irresistible about chocolates. The word itself is sensual and romantic.

....creamy, silky texture, the deep, dark, elegant color, the exquisitely sweet, rich flavor, the tantalizing aroma... The experience of a forbidden piece of pure chocolate deliberately melting on the tip of your tongue is sheer ecstasy, one of life's most pleasurable moments.

Now what is it about chocolate that makes so many of us swoon? We're feeling moody and irritable, even depressed, but once we eat some good chocolate, we feel better. It simply dulls pain and gives a sense of well being - a mood enhancer.

PS: baby thanks for the chocolates! (^^)

Making up

2007-03-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

There is something about a beach vacation that seems to restore us and bring back much-needed perspective on life.

Maybe it's the waves hissing into the sand, the rolling waves flecked in turquoise, the glowing expanse of open sky, the relaxing shade of a palm tree or long walks on the beach.

A perfect treat to get back together after a big fight. We talked, relaxed and continue having a romantic relationship.

I still can't find the right words to describe the wonderful beach weekend getaway I had. We were alone at last!

Paseo Night-out

2007-03-05T18:01:00.000+08:00

A perfect treat after a hard week's work... party! and guess what?! we found a new party place! (^^) wehehe

favorite rockin' party tunes, ice cold beers, your favorite people, a casually classy atmosphere, a DJ to keep the party going - and you can even dance if you feel like it!

Paseo... a place to be!

gothic chick

2007-03-02T18:02:00.000+08:00

What Really Makes Guys Cheat?

2007-02-09T17:40:00.000+08:00

All of us have intuition, a voodoo-ish internal radaw that picks up on hidden clues.

You don't need lipstick on a collar to know your man is the two-timing type. You can forgive a guy for some indiscretions, but it's damn near impossible to turn the other cheek if he strays.

The first warning sign is often feeling unattractive, followed by insecurity. Subconsciously, you'll feel unloved and unwanted.

Recovering from any kind of betrayal is never easy. When it comes to forgiving him for his affair, I wonder: "Am I letting him get off too easy? Should I be making him suffer more? I'm very torn about where mercy and being a doormat differ." And I’m certainly not alone. No matter what the issue once was, forgiveness is always a difficult -- but real -- part of relationships. And knowing where to start is often the hardest part.

How can I forgive?

No Valentine for you?

2007-02-06T17:32:00.000+08:00

Roses are red, violets are blue. Another Valentine's Day but no valentine for you?

If this holiday for a "honey" has you down because no one is sending you hearts or flowers, you may be wondering why you haven't been struck by Cupid's arrow.

You've studied relationship books and tried social clubs, gym classes, and dance lessons. Or maybe you've even ventured on blind dates arranged by your friends. Are you looking for love in the wrong places?

Actually, I think looking is the problem, no matter where. It just makes us look desperate, and that's one of the top five ways to send a romantic prospect running in the other direction. Another problem with "looking," is that it can become an all-consuming passion that can drive you nuts!

Find someone without looking

Then you'll whine, how can I meet someone if I stay at home curled up on the couch in my fuzzy slippers watching TV?

As one single put it, "I look at dating as if I want to buy a new car. I have to go look for one. How will anyone know I need a new car unless I tell them?"

Dating 101 says: "You don't go out dating-shopping like you'd buy a car. You go out living. You do stuff you love to do, and, in the process, you will meet other people who love to do the same."

In other words, get out there. But don't go out JUST to meet someone, go out because you love hanging out with your friends, or dancing, or listening to jazz, or taking classes.

Live life to the fullest!

In search of a sweeter song

2007-01-24T12:36:00.000+08:00

My trembling fingers tightened around my cellphone, and I choked back the sob that threatened to explode from my tightening lungs. There was a long, awkward pause as he waited for me to text back. My only consolation was that he could not see my pale face. I would never have been able to hide my devastated expression had he been in the room with me now on this heart-wrenching moment.

The nightmare had come true... again. What had started out as a harmless, fun, wonderful relationship had slowly become a complicated entanglement of emotion and passion, only to end abruptly now that the fire had faced. The cutting pain that ruthlessly squeezed my heart was so intense I could scarcely breathe.

It was over. Once again, I was in for a sleepless night of agony, hours of weeping until no more tears would come. Once again, I would have to face the aching, desperate loneliness of walking into a crowded room full of strangers -- with no hand to hold, no strong arm to gently rest on my back and give me security. Once again, I am alone.

I had made incredible sacrifices in an attempt to somehow cling to every short-live dating relationship that came my way. Even if I was the one who ended the relationship, the heartbreaking pain was inevitable. It felt like something precious was being violently ripped from inside of me.

How many years had I longed and urgently searched for true love? How many nights had I laid awake, dreaming of a beautiful roman- a lasting relationship that wouldn't end in heartache?
I yearned to be loved and cherished. I had dreamed of a perfect love story for my entire life. But somewhere in the midst of the endless cycle of one temporary romance after the next, my dreams had shattered right along with the broken and fragmented pieces of my heart.

My New Job

2007-01-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

I'm finally caught up with life and will be blogging regularly here again. This has been the longest blogging break I've taken in a while and it was badly needed. I'm refreshed and ready to get back to what I love to do.

But first, a bit about my job, which I ablsolutely adore. No day is the same, and it's always challenging and exciting. I have so much to learn, teach, and the opportunity to thrive emotionally and professionally hasn't truly hit me yet. Can you tell how joyous I am?

Of course, I want to talk more about the job, but my time is still a bit limited. And, of course, I'll be blogging more from hereon, because I've always believed that it is best to blog about everything, and this is a job I'm going to be married to for a while.

Here's to new beginnings.

Chasing our tails

2006-11-30T15:14:00.000+08:00

There is a well known saying that we are our own worst critics. We notice (and judge) things about ourselves that no one else ever would; that small pimple on our chin, the bad hair day or the extra three pounds we gained after the holidays. We are constantly wondering if the grass is greener on the other side and second guessing the choices weve made in our careers, friendships and relationships. Are we subconsciously sabotaging our own success?

We all have these dream jobs that would allow us to be financially secure while doing something we actually enjoy. Some of us even have the talent to back it up. So what stops us from picking up the phone and calling the head of HR at the firm weve had our eyes on? Are we afraid that well face rejection and were not sure we can handle it? Perhaps we're afraid we'll succeed and then have nothing left to dream about.

So, we subconsciously procrastinate and make excuses for why we cant make that follow up phone call after sending in our application. We re-organize our closet instead of updating our resume and we convince ourselves no one will ever recognize our abilities the way we do. We let our fears hold us back from having it all. Are we doing the same thing with our relationships?

In our relationships, we all play the game. Like anything else in life, the anticipation is half the fun and, sometimes, the reality cant live up to the fantasy. We begin a relationship with someone and as soon as it becomes real we start to nitpick. We look for faults and imperfections and we make excuses for why we cant pursue the relationship.

We settle into mediocre relationships that require minimal effort. We surround ourselves with people who dont ask us too many questions or poke and prod too deep into our histories or our souls. When we find someone who wants to know the real us, who challenges us to break down our walls and let them in, are we subconsciously pushing these people away to protect the sturdy structures weve kept intact for so long? Are we afraid that if weve found someone we can build a foundation with that we have far too much to lose?

There are relationships we look back on and question if things couldve been different. We think about the people who were in our lives who supported us, believed in us and truly loved us, unconditionally. So we lied to them, cheated on them, questioned their sincerity. We convinced ourselves we could never love them back because they snored or werent tall enough or didnt have a steady job.

We get involved with people we know are emotionally unavailable or someone we know is leaving in two months to work abroad. We become attached to someone whos only in the country temporarily or who we know is already involved with someone else. We question why we attract the wrong men but maybe were subconsciously looking for them. If a part of us knows the relationship doesnt have a chance of survival from the beginning then we have nothing to fear.

If we are ever going to succeed in life, in our careers and in love, we need to learn to get out of our own way and believe that we deserve to have it all. We have to go after exactly what we want with passion and vigor and refuse to settle for anything less. Otherwise, we just wind up chasing our tails.

This goes out to you... you know who you are.

2006-10-30T16:46:00.000+08:00

picture speaks LOUDER thank words. here's what i have to say...

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

2006-10-26T17:16:00.000+08:00

What is it that attracts us to people who are less than acceptable? Have we all really fallen for the fairy tale that we can turn the bad boy in to the loving and devoted boyfriend of the year? While there is something satisfying about thinking that someone could love us so much they would change for us, do we deserve the punishment that we endure while trying?

I can't even begin to count the number of times my friends have complained that there are no nice guys. Everytime we think we find one he turns out to be a phony. We've put in all of this effort and devotion to this person who turns out to be someone completely different than we thought. Then we look at other people's seemingly healthy relationships and we wonder where she found such a nice guy. We know that they're out there somewhere but we just don't know the secret knock to open the door to the castle Prince Charming is hidden in.

So we settle. We settle for the guy who is constantly checking out other women when he's with us or breaking dates at the last minute. We keep trying to get the guy who's girlfriend is cheating on him to see how much better we would treat him. We keep hoping that somehow the frog will turn in to a prince because we know where the frogs are already.

Even more simplistic, some of us are just terrified of rejection. We fear something inside of ourselves that leads us to believe that Mr Wonderful wouldn't feel the same way about us. We go for the jerks because we don't think that we can do any better and it's better to have someone less than perfect than to have no one at all. We figure that if he decides to leave us one day for a girl with a bigger chest that we really haven't lost much anyway.

It's quite possible that we all have different reasons for falling for the bad boys. Whether we think we can change them, we think it's all that we deserve or we're just sick of searching, the truth is we've all been there. We've all settled for someone who's treated us poorly and we've all wondered why other people are doing the same thing. Maybe we're all going to be a bad girlfriend or boyfriend until we find that right person who makes us see things differently. Aren't we all just playing the game until a worthy opponent comes along and we're forced to throw the rules out the window and look at everything differently?

Lips of an Angel

2006-10-24T12:15:00.000+08:00

Artist Name- Hinder
Song lyrics- Lips of an angel
Listen for free: Lips Of An Angel

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice
saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice
saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

Credo to a Relationship: A Reaction Paper

2006-10-05T11:13:00.000+08:00

Sharing with you a reaction paper I submitted for my HBO Class .
---

Class: Human Behavior in Organization
Date: July 2, 2005

The scenario that I would like to presume after reading the Credo for My Relationship is that, it was referring to a romantic relationship and that the couple was new. I would like to ruminate on the second paragraph.

For me, a good relationship isn't a game we play or an ego trip we take. It is about love and two people. Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too.

Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other. Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what we think and feel. Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop.

Loving means respecting and accepting him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in our own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love that closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other.

Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have. And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle, wild and short-lived and one that's tender and passionate, nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes work -- because it's about keeping a relationship.

A relationship needs commitments to keep it lasting. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them.

Every day everywhere, people fall in love ...but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love? I know a lot of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just -- I am IN love with you. Again, there is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love with you because of the present you. This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts.

But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future. Sometimes, it is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking. It is best to let our heart guide us.

It makes me feel good sharing my thoughts about LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS. I can only comprehend what it would feel like when I will finally find the 'love' that I am talking about and the kind of relationship that I had described.

Is timing really everything?

2006-09-29T16:27:00.000+08:00

We all have different agendas in life. Some of us are looking for the perfect career to make our mark in the world. Others are looking for love; inconvenient, consuming, love. Do we have to choose or is it possible for us to have it all?

We are living in a society that measures our success on the size of our bank account and the car that we drive. (In that context, I am incredibly unsuccessful!). It's no longer good enough for us to go to college, do well, and graduate in order to acquire these things. Now we need MBA's or PhD's and even more importantly than the degree we hang on our wall is our networking. It will always be true, in any business, that who you know is more important than what you know.

So, it's no surprise that we dedicate countless hours in our lives and a good deal of money to this art of "schmoozing". We've learned the places we need to appear and the appropriate things to say to get us where we want to be in the business world. But when we reach this level of "success" that we are striving for, will we feel satisfied even if we have no one to share it with?

Isn't it true that the nature of relationships is the same, whether it's a business or a personal relationship? It's all about connecting on some common ground. So if we've mastered the skills that we need to get ahead in our professional lives why aren't we putting in the same time, effort and skills to fulfill our personal lives?

There is so much emphasis in the world today about time management and we use our planners and PDA's to schedule our lives out in order to make sure we complete everything. If we have become time management experts why haven't we figured out a way to balance our business relationships and personal relationships so that we have enough time for both?

It's so easy for us to put people and relationships off because it just isn't the right time in our lives. Whether we are developing a new career, working towards a promotion or simply not yet over a past relationship, there will never really be good timing to build the foundation for a successful personal relationship. But was love ever meant to be convenient or is it possible that people come into our lives when we need them the most?

While not every person we meet is going to be our possible life-mate, if we think back to the circumstances that we met, there is a good chance that our lives were drastically affected. Maybe this person came into our lives just when we were about to propose to the wrong person. Or perhaps he helped us to finally move on from a breakup that was consuming our lives. So many people influence our lives in such profound ways, we just aren't paying attention.

When it comes time to take the plunge into a new opportunity, whether it's a business venture or a possible new relationship, are we ever really ready to take that next step and take a risk? Will we ever really be sure that we've met Mr Right? In business and in love there is one thing that is always certain: there is no certainty. The rug can get pulled out from under your feet at any given moment or just when you least expect it, perfection can knock on your door. Perhaps, at the moment, we are focused on our own development and aren't even entertaining the idea of setting aside time and energy for someone else. But maybe there is a stronger force involved and the timing is actually perfect, we just can't see it yet. Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith.

(Stupid) Hopeless Romantics

2006-09-28T15:47:00.000+08:00

All of us have a dating history- the ghosts of past relationships that will follow us into our future relationships. While we may remember some of these relationships more fondly than others, all of them have come to an end. If we keep putting ourselves out there and allowing our hearts to be broken, are we stupid or are we hopeless romantics? Are they the same thing?

I believe in love and its promise. The feeling of completeness, of joy and happiness. It is a fountain of youth. It makes the world go round, not money. And i admit, i want love rock my world.

On the other hand, love makes me very blind. It only makes me see the things that I want to see and sometimes, I tent to be very creative in imagining scenarios that aren't real because I wish that they were. I feel stupid convincing myself that the feelings are mutual and that the relationship will finally be "the one".

So far in my lifetime, I have been stupid. I am stupid because I approached every person I meet and every relationship the same way. I am stupid because I expected love to just fall into my laps and propose.

I've learned my lessons the hard way (tears, Red Horse overdose, insomnia, caffeine, etc). At 26, I like to have a mature outlook on love and relationships. I want to see each person for who they really are and what they really need. Id rather devote myselft to finding someone who may not be perfect but who can offer the essentials that are needed for both hearts and souls to thrive... so that at the end of the day, I can say I'm a hopeless romantic and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sofia - Bossa Latino Lite

2006-09-15T15:44:00.000+08:00

Sofia - Bossa Latino Lite

1. Sofia - Waters Of March (Águas De Março)
2. Sofia - The Look Of Love
3. Sofia - Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (with Roji Soriano)
4. Sofia - Just The Way You Are
5. Sofia - At Seventeen (Instrumental)
6. Sofia - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (with Roji Soriano)
7. Sofia - Just No Ordinary Day
8. Sofia - Let's Wait Awhile
9. Sofia - Constantly (Instrumental)
10. Sofia - Blue Moon (duet with Roji Soriano)
11. Sofia - Desafinado (Off-Key)
12. Sofia - Moonlight Over Paris (Instrumental)
13. Sofia - It's Too Late
14. Sofia - Englishman In New York (featuring Roji Soriano)
15. Sofia - Sorry Doesn't Make It Anymore
16. Sofia - Dance With Me
17. Sofia - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic (Instrumental)
18. Sofia - Waters Of March (Águas De Março) (duet with Roji Soriano)

download album now!music now available at burnedpopcorn's multiply.

Taste the new sound of Bossa Nova

2006-09-12T11:40:00.000+08:00

Sitti, whose name means princess in the Muslim dialect, is truly worthy to be Bossa-Manila’s new “IT” girl. Her relaxed singing style and soothing voice lingers above the complex harmonies of jazz and samba influenced Brazilian genre, effortlessly gelling lyrics and music together. Her eyes light up when she talks about Bossa Nova. “What I really like best about bossa nova is that the lyrics, message and music is profound. Even if its melancholic at times, it’s still easy on the ears.

Sitti got the biggest break in her singing career in when Warner Music Philippines decided to cut her solo album, Café Bossa, that is now available at all music retail shops. The album is currently number one at O Music & Video in Rockwell.

Café Bossa contains 18 tracks of contemporary songs and pop, jazz standards sung in Sitti’s cool, bossa style. Its carrier single, “Tattooed On My Mind,” a cover of D’ Sound, is already receiving good airplay on radio. Her versions of Everything But The Girl’s “I Didn’t Know I Was Looking For Love” and Michael Franks’ “Lady Wants To Know” are two other outstanding cuts in the album.

Sitti also does impressive and bouncy takes on OPM bossa legend, Bong Penera’s “Samba Song,” Jobim’s “One Note Samba,” Frank Sinatra’s Fly Me To The Moon,” and Sergio Mendes’ “Mas Que Nada”. Two more favorites in the CD repertoire include the jazzy, upbeat melding of “Close To You/Half A Minute” and the Emil Pama original “Para Sa Akin.”

Café Bossa is indeed a cup of chill in 18 choice cuts. It’s a must-hear album of laid back tunes done in the warm sounds of OPM’s bossa nova’. Café Bossa is available under Warner Music Philippines.

Girl from Ipanema
Tattoed on my Mind
At 17
Hey Look at the Sun
I Didn't Know What I''m Looking for Love
Invisible War
One Note Samba
Soft Melody
You on my Mind
Lost in Space
Lady Wants to Know
Close to You/Half a Minute
Samba Song
Bridges
Mas Que Nada
Wave
Fly Me to the Moon
Para Sa Akin

download album now!
music now available at burnedpopcorn's multiply.

special thanks to: clickthecity.com and stonehouse1.multiply.com

Goodness gracious

2006-08-12T11:20:00.000+08:00

Hmmm. With the recent sleeping hours of 2am-6am, I made some sort of goal for myself of getting to bed by midnight. Well, it's nearly three now, so that plan's a bit fucked up. I'm sorely tempted not to sleep tonight. What with the non-consumption of food, severe lack of excercise and social contact, I reckon I could be quite successful at something resembling a heroin chic. Haha, I wish. It's rather strange how quickly my mood changed.

Today was another mindless day, doing nothing of interest, barely making any sort of movement. My weekends have become quite boring too. Nothing to do at home and all alone in my room, you do the math. I decided to come here in the office. I banged my toes on the computer chair, it was quite sore. As I grabbed my foot and grimaced slightly, it suddenly struck me - this is the first real thing I've feel today.

Cue the feelings of self-loathing which usually only creep up when I'm lying in bed at night, when I let myself think. Cue the feelings of " It is really not going to happen someday".
How could anyone possibly love me if I can't love myself?

Fuck, most of the time I don't even like myself. I just cope with problems by not thinking about them. That's the reason I sleep until 2am, because getting up and facing the possibility of facing things is just too much. It's much easier to delude myself and live in this fantasy world where I'm this disembodied creature who loves and is loved.

The question clinging desperately to my tongue is: Will things change? Or, rather, will I change? It's not looking bloody likely, is it? I'm thinking about my existence at the moment and the future doesn't look too different. Though I don't drink so I'm a bit socially retarded already, aren't I? Well, more so than before.

snippets of my life

2006-08-12T11:05:00.000+08:00

Something happened last night. Well, it had been steadily building up all day, I could feel it from the moment I woke. Things got better in the evening, for obvious reasons, but there was still... something.

And as I lay in bed I knew I was going to be in for a rough night. Everything I've ever done wrong (and everything I'm doing wrong now) came back to haunt me, and I seemed tortured by fear and uncertainty. I was disgusted with myself, and the realisation that I would always have these feelings regardless of how thin or healthy or perfect I was... well, it was a bit upsetting. So I just cried for a long time and I couldn't seem to stop. I know this sounds ridiculous and melodramatic. I know.

But today was much better. After a session of crying, I felt much better. I got up, having remembered my dreams for a change. They were quite disturbing, it involved me going to a place I occasionally visit in dreams. I can't even really describe it, but I know I've been there many times. So I got up today and felt quite good. I was all set to go out (*gasp*) as well, but my plans were scuppered by the weather.

Leaning out of an open window on my way to work and listening to the wind moving through the trees, feeling the cold air on my face. Inhaling. My lungs, unaccustomed to such a feeling, spasm with excitement that it's Friday. As I breathe, I tried to separate each element. Some passengers' cologne reminds me of the flowers from next door's garden, and heavy part of it grabs me back to reality, of the sickening polution of the city. I don't care, it's Life.

And I think it's weired because what I'm living right now isn't really Life. Not really - just little bits and pieces. Little snippets of what things could be like if circumstances were different or if I only had the right combination of courage and stupidity. I long to jump out the window and start living this Real Life, but I know it's not that simple. But still, I can dream. I dream of sitting down a grassy ground... one hand explores every blade of grass it can find, while the other hand are intertwined with those of someone I like a lot and cares for me.

It would be so easy, I think, to pack a bag and just go. My destination would be anywhere he wants.

my room

2006-08-12T10:59:00.000+08:00

this is my room. i like the color of fire - yellow, orange, and red.

no pattern
no design

... i simply love the chaos it exudes.

what the f*** &#^!

2006-08-07T16:32:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since my last entry and i took time in composing my blog entry today about how manic my monday was.

for some reason blogger.com decided to go chinese! i cant understand chinese! i cant read chinese! the buttons went crazy. i thought i somehow memorize the button placement on the screen and i click delete because my entry was gone! darn!!!!

can somebody please help me. this is frustrating.

living- cebu style

2006-07-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

today marks my 5th year here in cebu. living in cebu means having the best of all wordly means to see dreams through in the time and pace that will allow you to savor the experience.

sinulog!
snorkling moalboal

4+1 ice cold RH sa mango square
foggy mornings in mountain view
thirsty's hush shakes

bos' brewed coffee
bantayan holyweek

scenic sunset on top of mactan bridge
garlic mushroom of pipeline

lights and sounds of vudu
da vinci's white sauce pizza

historic magellan's cross
lapu lapu shrine
pari-an shrine
traverse kawasan hike

night view at tops
acoustic nights in patio ecila
pirated dvds in colon

jam scessions in kahayag

friday nights at handuraw
eat all u can at ding qua qua
pungko2x sa lahug

KFC's bucket chicken 'n gravvy!
ice castle halo halo
mcdonald's coke float
ayala cinema

jamaican nights
abellana oval
family park pool

skimboarding in liloan

overnight in osmeña's peak
bike trail of kalunasan
(^^) and a lot more!!!

office musing

2006-07-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

love n friendship... that's what they say keeps the world goin. but is there anything such as unconditional love? something that demands nothing in return except the same sort of unconditional care n concern? true love which doesnt need to be professed everyday through empty words but shown in actions? love which aids u to grow in life... yet not something which is totally utilitarian n selfish?

i dont mean love that demands ultimate selflessness or self-sacrifice... but something which has the power to turn burdens lighter and make life sunnier.

well, but that is something that you get only in books right?

casanova

2006-07-05T15:31:00.000+08:00

I came across an interesting site forum with a topic that caught my attention. Topic: L-O-V-E-M-A-K-I-N-G (phew!). One of the post said something like ...the problem with love is that people stopped making love, too busy trying to stick to everything moving.

Lovemaking is a forgotten art and it is an experience many people never get to understand or live to speak about.

Most people settle for easy f*** like marathon to see who finishes first and forgeting about the journey to get their. I think its the most selfish act any two people can perform together. And when it's over, will it be remembered next week? Next month? Or the same emptiness?

Lovemaking is the ultimate act of selflessness and in that intimate space two people communicate in ways the mind cannot fathom, and only can be shared in that intimate space saturated by love... a conversation without words spoken with the eloquence of scholars, using words Webster has yet to utter. Emotions and dreams shared without a sound; where old pains become new joys, old woulds are healed, and innocence is renewed. "

With love lost and won everyday, the goal remains the same- to love and be loved.

sorrow and confusion

2006-07-04T15:44:00.001+08:00

i am frustrated. why? i don't know.

i recently started feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because i don't really know what i want to do.

i look at my job. i love what i do. i love my desk and my office (except for my lousy PC!). i adore my officemates, they are my second family. but somehow i feel im not growing anymore. i am bored, close to getting burnedout.

i feel alone and scared and confused. i feel insecure and then secure. life moves so fast and suddenly change becomes the enemy. nothing seems certain. i cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away. and before i know it, i am in the crossroad of either staying where i am or moving forward and either option scares me.

i recently had my heart broken and wonder how someone i loved so much could give so much pain. i lay in bed and wonder why i can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. i cannot figure out why i am having such bad cards in relationships when i am not a bad person at all.

i go through the same emotions and questions over and over and I feel stupid because I cannot seem to make a decision to life's simple questions.

i worry about my future and making a good life for myself while winning the race would be great. But right now I just a challenger of life.

good old weekend

2006-06-23T17:31:00.000+08:00

it's friday and im happy about it. there are no scheduled activities or nightouts. i dont even have a date! (^^) anyone who wants to take me out??? hehehe

there are good movies on screen, might watch scary movies tomorrow. frenchie movies are being shown from free, might check out one of the titles ... hangout or sleep in the theater wehehe it sure is hot in my room.

im back to my good old life... alone and loving it!

talking with strangers

2006-06-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

ever happen to you when you suddenly feel so alone and got no one to talk too... and nobody is answer your phone call or messages? you wonder, where's everyone?

well, i felt that way a while ago. i decided to go online. chat. talk with anyone. much to my desmay, i was bombarded with horny jerks. i cant believe what a mess mirc cebu now.

it's sickening!

happy days... again (^^)

2006-06-15T16:06:00.000+08:00

hi everyone! i refrained from posting for the past days because i was gloomy and sad. i've noticed that so far, the general mood of my blog is a sad face. my blog was suppose to account all the important happy events of my life!

im quite happy today. at least im beginning to find happiness on the sample things around me.

for a short time, i got used to being with someone. my usual routine changed. it felt good. it felt nice. my life had colors, much brighter, much colorful, more interesting, more exciting . i was singing, thanks god i stopped, i knew it sounded terrible! (^^)

happy days are here, again... mwah!

i erased it

2006-06-10T16:38:00.000+08:00

im sorry about publishing your messages here. but i cant delete those.
those are precious for me. i've transfered them to the blog i made for you.

why would you be ashame anyway?

spacefoods

2006-06-09T15:02:00.000+08:00

i was practically running my curly head throughout my morning... i wish i can split myself half so i can do twice as much work as i can. somehow, i was happy this way because i made myself busy... made me forget "things".

before i knew it, it was time for lunch and i had no food!

spacefoods came to the rescue. i was hesitant because before somebody used to remind me to limit my intake of canned goods. i ate two cans and i felt bad afterwards. not because i ate the forbidden but because i missed the person who used to restrict me from eating it.

god, i miss you.

who stole my magic?

2006-06-08T14:19:00.000+08:00

i'm heartbroken, now what?

after 4 sleepless nights, 3 nights of getting wasted, sobs and tears, self pity and shame, what now?

i know it's happened to almost everyone-a breakup but still it's seemingly impossible to recover from.

either it's just two months or five years too long, everybody undergoes:

The constant questioning, "Why? Why? Why?"
The every hour, on-the-hour sobfest until your tear ducts run dry
The urge to call him at three in the morning
The urge to call him and say nothing (you just want to hear his voice...sob!)
The urge to call him names
The zero-energy days (or weeks, or months) when you just want to stay in bed and listen to senti music
The Depression Diet where you can't eat anything (or, worse, all you can eat is ice cream)
The absolute loss of self-esteem when you begin to think that he stopped loving you/cheated on you/changed his mind about being with you because you put on some weight/acquired wrinkles/lost your sense of humor/ are ugly.

i wanted to hate, i wanted to curse, i wanted to wish that we didnt meet- so that i can get over more quickly.

i was able to ponder what could have really happened. my friends would say that you fooled me. my bestfriend said you left because you got already what you wanted. maybe they are right...

but part of me still want to believe in you and believe the promised of love that we shared
- temporary madness. i dont want to turn the wonderful memories we shared into a nightmare. i dont want to turn the sunny summer we shared into a gloomy past. the song "i love you more today than yesterday" should not be on our soundtrack. "'til supply last" would be a good tag. and it did last and it last too soon.

Confessions of a broken heart

2006-06-05T12:59:00.004+08:00

There are few things in life that are harder on a person than the time when they realize that the love they have worked so hard at, and spent so much time on, is about to be over.

I want you to know that I do not feel good about myself or happy with what I just said. To be honest, I would much be rather writing about you and I and how wonderful and fulfilling things have been between us ever since the day we met.

I wish somebody could explain to me why our destiny is so cruel. But much as I would like such an explanation that alone would not be enough to ease the pain of your absence, to suppress this sadness I have in my heart and which you can see reflected in my eyes.

You are just there... a ride, txt and phonecall away but you seem so far, so out of reach. The distance is unberable because I not only miss you but I also wonder if you are doing well, if you and if your mind and soul are at peace. I´m also curious to know if you think of me in the same way I think of you, which is just about every single minute and second that goes by (and the clock ticks so slowly when we´re not together!). I want to call you so badly. I want to hear your voice so much. Would I be disturbing you? Would I be distracting you? Would I be disrupting the time and space you've asked me to give? I want to be with you and make you realize that my affection goes far beyond the words I´m writing to you now.

I am missing you more and more and I start getting worried as I stare at the door just waiting for you to surprise me with your arrival at any moment. Sweet delusion... you are so far away right now that all I can ask for is that time moves faster...

No matter what happens and how long we will still have to be apart, you will always be in my heart. But I had to write to you today and, in a way, try to sooth this feeling that took over me so strongly!

A sad kiss...

this is for you

2006-06-04T22:26:00.000+08:00

Remembering the time when we're together
In a love, I thought, will last forever
But then there came a day
When you had to go away

I watched your back as you leave
Wondering how I can ever live
Without you and your love that's so real
Do you even know how I feel?

I think of you every now and then
Wondering when I will see you again
Do you know that I can't live without you?
Do you feel the same way as I do?

So many questions enter my mind nd
I feel so left behind
So lost and confused I still live on
just wishing that you'd never gone

But then there's other things to be done
than wonder what might be if you haven't gone.
Realizing that you're not here anymore
-as you have already gone through that door.

give me some skin!

2006-06-01T07:35:00.000+08:00

i love to random search blogs here at blogspot and it always fascinates me when i see nice templates being used by other bloggers. i would always wonder how they did it.

iv searched, studied and tried.... and it worked! i am pretty happy with what i have accomplished =)

hope you like it.

sigh ... why are you treating me this way?

2006-05-25T18:14:00.000+08:00

i understand you are going through some rough road now.
i understand that you maybe upset now.

im here ... to listen, to give you company, to share your sorrows with.
but, somehow you are treating me coldly.
you drifting away...

i feel miserable. i dont not know what to do. im lost.

How Jealous Are You?

2006-05-23T09:31:00.000+08:00

Is a little jealousy healthy for a relationship, or is it a recipe for disaster? If you think it's healthy, how much of it is ok before it becomes a problem?

Most books would say that no amount of jealousy is healthy! It's one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship. It means: 1) There's a lack of trust in the relationship. 2) The jealous one doesn't feel worthy of being loved, or doesn't accept the love of the other. If either of the above are true, the relationship will be unbalanced -- and eventually, it will self=destruct.

But for me being jealous sparks passion and romance. It shows that you care and don't want to lose your lover. Basically, a little jealousy can go a long way towards making a relationship a healthy one -- but how little is 'little'?

I took a jealousy quiz to find out how mean my green streak really is... and the results states:

Super Ego
You're far too confident and self-assured to bother fussing, fretting or fuming over other people's fortunes or foibles. Because you're okay with you, you don't waste time or Tums mistrusting your nearest and dearest or toting up their wins to your losses every time they score. Since you act with taste and good grace, friends, family, lovers and coworkers probably live up to your trust and appreciate your toasts. No green rages or purple paranoia for you as you walk through life content with your bounty -- and secure you can hold onto it.

how much have i changed?

2006-05-19T15:57:00.000+08:00

3 YEARS AGO TODAY:

How old were you?:
~~> twenty three

Where did you go to school?:
~~> silliman university

Where did you work?:
~~> some export firm (not telling)

Where did you live?:
~~> cebu

How was your hair style?:
~~> short, straightened

Did you have braces?:
~~> never

Did you wear glasses?:
~~> nope

Who was your best friend?:
~~> 501 girls: daph, love, janice

Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend:
~~> no one

Who was your celebrity crush?:
~~> sean paul

How many tattoos did you have?:
~~> none

How many piercings did you have?
~~> six

What car did you drive?:
~~> bumper cars ahahha

What was your favorite band/group?:
~~> r'n b

What was your worst fear?
~~ being stuck forever

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
~~> yeah

Had you gotten drunk or high yet?:
~~> yeah

Had you driven yet?
~~> just dem toy cars

Had you been to a real party yet?:
~~> yeah

Had your heart broken?
~~> so badly

**NOW.....

How old are you?:
~~> twenty six

Where do you live?:
~~> cebu still. another pad. had transfered 3 times!

Where do you hang out?:
~~> acoustic bars. nice music relaxin ambiance

How is your hair style?:
~~> curly, long, sexy

Do you have braces?:
~~> never

Do you wear glasses?:
~~> yeah when im in front of the computer, like now

Who is your best friend?:
~~> too many. somehow iv built my circle.

Still talk to any of your old friends?:
~~> every single one of them

Who is your celebrity crush?:
~~> JACK JOHNSON!!

Who is your regular-person crush?:
~~> my boyfriend =)

How many piercings do you have?:
~~> three

How many tattoos?:
~~> thinking of getting one... lower back..

What is your favorite singer/group?:
~~> still reggae, jack johnson

have you smoked a cigarette?
~~> yeah, before. i finally decided no more..

Have you gotten drunk or high?:
~~> yeah.. and i decided to take it lightly now

Have you been to a real party?:
~~> yeah, im goin to a party tonight

Mee luv u'to

2006-05-15T09:45:00.000+08:00

I have lived for a long time dependent upon no one, answering to no one and committed to no one except myself. During this period of my life, I considered the World mine for the taking and truly believed that I was living life to the fullest. Then, you came into the picture, and all of a sudden, I realized that I was deceiving myself.

I am incomplete and realized that I need wholeness. I find that my life is not all that I thought it was. In fact, it is terribly lacking in many things, the foremost being love. Now, through some great fortune, I have found that love and along with it the one person who can make my life truly complete.

You are that person. To be honest, I never thought I would ever utter those words, but now, they come forth effortlessly and with great sincerity. I'll be forever greatful to you for showing me just how shallow my life was. At last, I have a chance to give it depth and purpose.

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I knew that the proper words would escape me. I wrote you this letter instead.

Why does it have to be you?

2006-05-09T17:03:00.000+08:00

It was not my intention
How could I have known?
When we met that day
That I would want you for my own

You mean alot to me
That Im sure will always be.
But, This feeling overcomes me
Whenever you are near
You make me happy.

Do I keep it to myself?
Do I bottle up my love for you...
And place it on a shelf ?

The next time that I saw you I had to look away.
Worse if I choose to go away.

I felt betrayed.
I felt played.
But I know it was my mistake.
Because i knew that you i cant take.

I layed upon my bed
I heard your voice inside my head
I tossed and turned all evening
I cried my way till morning.

- This is for you. You know who you are.

what do you see?

2006-05-04T08:56:00.000+08:00

Tell me, what do you see?
What message does this picture tells?
Describe it with an adjective.

sexy? seductive? serene?

Comments would be greatly appreciated.

life's a beach

2006-04-28T10:46:00.000+08:00

It's a long weekend.
I want to go on a getaway.

Destination Moalboal.

Things to bring:

board shorts

bikini! (^^)

my skimboard

snorkling gear

sunblock

beauty kit

my cellphone

my digi cam

rubber shoes

flipflaps

See you all on Tuesday.

The Edge of Digital Culture: Aya Kato

2006-04-21T11:27:00.000+08:00

Let me share with you my fascination of Aya Kato, who draws wonderfully complex and intricate artworks.

Born in Aichi, Japan, Aya Kato studied painting by self-study and graphic design at the Aichi University of Education, graduated in 2004 and started work as an illustrator in 2005.

“For me, the beauty of Japanese art is in its two dimensions – its deepness and the beauty of the outlines. I often find inspiration from books or poetic language and my pieces extend from there. I like to think the passion I have for my work is expressed through the images I produce and would love to collaborate with people all over the world – in music, illustration and fashion.”

Aya Kato is a freelance illustrator in Japan, 22 years old. Here are some of my favorites...

Aya Kato Website:
http://www.geocities.jp/b_ba_a0530/

Tori Amos’s video "Sleeps With Butterflies" features visuals inspired by the stunning Japanese illustrations of Aya Kato, whose work was commissioned specifically for Tori's video.

ALBUM: The Beekeeper
DIRECTOR: Laurent Briet
RELEASE: March 2005
COPYRIGHT: Sony BMG Music Entertainment

Here are some of the stills from the video...

it's me! hehehe

2006-04-21T11:04:00.000+08:00

it is me... he he
i have been taking a lot of self portrait with my digital camera to keep only images i like.. people are selfish that way. people only want to share the image they like with others. humm… people care about how their images would look in public.

some people have exactly same face in a photo, everytime they are taken. their brain is programed what kind face would make them look good. the program works instantly and naturally without any thoughts, which sometimes freaks me out.

girls are more tend to do that for example, exactly same smile, the way of a head tilted... just like this one (^ ^)

When is it really over...

2006-04-21T08:35:00.000+08:00

When is it really over?

I once loved a best friend. We got so closed and before i knew it, I lost him just like that - like a snap of a finger.

I think he is happy now with someone else. But somehow I cannot help ask myself, what happened? Then I would just joke myself and answer it with, maybe we are better off as friends ... hahaha! Jokes are always half-meant, a friend said once. And maybe…just maybe, behind that joke, there’s this wishful thinking that he liked me more deeply than friends. Then his memory again, bounce in my head…disturb my sanity and make my day half-miserable.

What if he’s thinking about me? It’s just another imagination, I know. Another day of what if’s and maybe’s. For the nth time, I’ve told myself that when it’s over, it’s really over! There’s no sense turning back or even trying to pick up the pieces again. It’s time to move on and face the reality!

When it’s over, is it really over? When you decide to let go, do you really succeed in letting go? I just heard the song of Sugar Ray a while ago. Here’s the few lines that caught my attention:

When it’s over, That’s the time I fall in love again…

When it’s over, That’s the time you’re in my heart again…

How can you possibly say it’s over when you’re still in love with the person you said you were over with already?I guess it’s not that easy when the chain of the past locks you in the chest of false hopes and leads you to a place called fantasy with Cinderella and Snow white as your best friends!

How pathetic! But, admit it or not, it’s true… The hardest part of losing a loved one is to accept the fact that they’re gone and might never come back again. There are things that reminds me of our togetherness…the places we’ve been, his food and iced cold San Mig Light, names we teasingly used to call each other, expressions I used to hear from him and songs we both crazily sing loudly…

I would desperately believe that what happens in the movies might also happen to us one day.Who didn’t like the lines from the movie "Runaway Bride" where Julia Roberts told Richard Gere, "I guarantee that we’ll have tough times; I guarantee that in some point, one of us would want to get out; I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret this for the rest of my life, ‘coz I know in my heart…you’re the only one for me." I hopefully think that he will come back one day and say those words, or just simple words but would promise forever. Problems may occur every now and then, but I would consider those things as trials to be conquered in order for the relationship to bloom and mature.

Oouucchh! Reality just bit me!

More often than not, these romantic movies and mushy love songs only makes me long for something I cannot have…and for someone who cannot be mine again. It hurts to admit that I am just pretending. All the while, I already knew the truth but we ignore it. When the damage is done, there’s nothing left to do but cry…to mourn for the bitterness in our hearts. Then curse anybody who gets in the way.

Crying…